2:52 am Friday.

I am awake, but not for lack of trying to sleep. I spent last night tossing and turning. This one, I actually got some sleep before I woke up and started thinking about irrationalities. Ready? Okay. I found out, via pee stick, that we are expecting baby number 2. This is highly exciting for me. But on the same tken, my irrational thinking comes into play on this one, since the baby will be in the in-between world and born while I am still 28. Sounds normal? Sure, the irrationality comes in from the fact that for most of my life I have known that something life changing is going to happen associated with that number. Good Ole 28. I have managed to change my thinking over the years to 'life changing' from 'life ending,' with a lot of hard work and effort, knowing I would have to live this year in order to get to 29 or beyond. But now with the not-so-maybe-baby all my hard work has vanished. I know things can happen to me or baby in so many ways without the term 'life-ending' included, and life-altering can be a good thing just as easily as a bad thing. But I am going to have to deal with fears this go around and here are 2 of them:

a) I won't make it out of the delivery room...We did have complications last year that almost put me having a emergency c-section. Both mine and the baby's heart rates were dropping and our fevers were spiking. Things can go wrong no matter how I deliver so I am going to just research the best course of action in these circumstances and be prepared. I can't make this one just go away.

b) There will be something wrong with the baby. Either genetically or in our pregnant relationship. Only time can get rid of this fear.

In the mean time. I have cried about the thought of leaving Ellowyn behind in a world with no mommy and I hate myself for even giving the though a place to dwell. I would do anything in the world for my babies but leaving them without a mommy is not to come within 1000 miles of that list.

But Fate exists in my world and while I hope all of this is irrational and hormonal, I will be prepared. I will spend the next 9 months making sure all my T's are dotted and I's are crossed. Because the writer in me loves conlifts and no story can end without the heroine leaving a peice of herself behind for her beloved stars.

Mommy love you, stars.

And to put a smile back on faces and to wipe away tears, party at my place May 1, 2008 @ 8:00 pm. I better see you there.

Vices

Ever since my friend and I discussed vices and I said I didn't have one, I have been thinking. I don't smoke or use drugs and don't really drink. I can't have sodas or chocolate. I have nothing that I consider a vice. There is nothing that I enjoy so much that I can 't do without. Is it because there is nothing I enjoy, or because I can't see spending my limited funds on it? I don't know, so I have been on a search to find a vice. I really would like to find somthing in my life that I enjoy enough to blow money on it. It may make me enjoy myself sometimes and get me happy again.

Fleeting Ideas

I need to put a notebook, a pen, and a book light by my bedside for all of the wonderful ideas my mind has as I am falling asleep. I had one last night that I rrecall as being a very awesome one, but by the light of day and the waking of my brain, it's nowhere to be found.

Reminiscing and Catching up

I stayed up last night talking on the phone to a friend I had not spoken to in 7 years. I put the kid to bed, took a bath, read some of my book, waiting for 9 o'clock with a mix of anxiety and exhilaration. My heart was racing, my mind was everywhere. After 7 years, I knew we would have plenty to talk about, I was worried about awkward silences and being unconfortable in general. All for nothing. With the first hellos, all that melted away. All the ease of the past came back in spades. There were no walls, no trying to impress each other, just 2 friends finding each other after too long. We talked about our families, old members and new additions. We talked about where we had been for 7 years. We talked about what we were doing now. Music, photos, travel. We talked about the pain, the joy, and the in-betweens. I am happy I was able to find him, sometimes a girl just needs to reconnect to her past.

Soggy

I went out yesterday during the downpour and wanted to get some pictures of the bouncing hail, but I didn't want to damage my camera with all the soggy Texas weather. Instead, I stayed in the garage and tried to get some that way...they sucked. So I started my wishlist and found a "Storm Jacket" for the camera. It's not expensive. Which is good. I also came across this guy who put his point and shoot in a condom! Guess he was serious about protectng it. It's a shame they don't make a condom big enough for my digital rebel.

I did manage to get this picture afterwards.

TX keeps me awake at night

I need to move to a state that has less haunting bugs. I am awake at 2:46, afraid of going back to sleep because I dreamed E picked up a scorpion and I had to get between her and it and it stung me. It has as long as her arm and would'nt let go until I broke its thin scorpion back. I have a blacklight in the soon to be big gril room, and fought against my logical side to rush into the nursery and peer under and around everything. I managed to force myself to come get it out of my head this way and not wake the baby. She sleeps as light as me and she was 2 hours late to bedtime. Waking her would have been suicide. But let me just reiterate this in case you weren't paying attention. I HATE SCORPIONS! Can I go back to sleep now?

Photography

The weather was beautiful for outdoor shots this morning, but by the time I got some time alone with the camera the sun had come out and ruined the scene. I am contemplating forgoing the gym tonight in favor of drive by photography. If only the weather would turn gloomy again!

Storm Chaser

I think I am going to pick up a new career. Storm Chaser Jenny. That's right folks, me, a truck, a camera and wide open spaces. Tonight I saw some amazing lightening and I wished I had my camera and no place to be. I would have driven to an open field or an empty parking lot, anywhere to set up shop and just click away. I need to get a faster memory card so I can catch more lightening and it would probably be a good idea to figure out a way to kep the camera dry without losing mobility. I paid too much for the camera to let it fill up with rain.

Only my 5th cake

My only instructions were: white cake and monkeys.


Caption: 14 monkeys jumping on the bed

In case you can't see the details. The pillows and blanket are fringed in chocolate fondue. The debris on the blanket is supposed to be the casualty of a pillow fight. Some of the monkey are still throwing pillows, some are doing flips, some are hanging off the bed. The monkeys are from a "Barrel of Monkeys." The icing is almond buttercream. The cake is white. I used cookie cutters and a skilled knife hand to cut the shapes.